Why is Change So Painful?

‘All conditioned things are impermanent’ – when one sees this with wisdom, one turns away from suffering.  –  The Buddha

I’ve talked with a lot of people over the last few weeks about change.  Most of them are not happy with me leaving and I keep having similar conversations about change.  What I’m witnessing is that for so many of us change is painful.  Change often isn’t something that we seek and when it happens it can bring up unpleasant feelings.

I think that there are two basic types of change.  There is the type of change that we instigate or seek and there is the type of change that is thrust upon us.  While the first type of change can still be difficult, it’s the change that is thrust upon us that is often the hardest to accept and thus the most painful.

I think it is the inability to accept the change that causes much of the pain that we experience.  I know that when this has happened to me, I’ll spend time trying to push the change away, delay the change or even deny that the change is happening.  None of those tactics work really well because if the change has been thrust upon us, then most likely something has already happened to make the change occur.  If this is the case, then we are trying to turn back time and undo something that has already happened.  Obviously, this isn’t going to happen.  We just keep getting hit in the face with the fact that the change happened and we don’t like it at all.  Thus, denial and unacceptance are happening.

When we are in the midst of denying that a change has happened or is about to happen, then we are creating a reality that doesn’t exist.  We’re also creating pain for ourselves.  Every time that our mind thinks of what is happening, it’s another chance for the mind to wish for something that it can’t have.  When the mind spends so much time wanting something that it can’t have, we are unhappy and in pain.  Thus, it’s the wanting something that we can’t have that causes the pain, not the change itself.

Change happens.  I know that sometimes it’s not the type of change that you want, but to push it away or deny it, will only make it harder to adjust in the long run.

Even when the change is something that you seek or start, this pushing away change or denial can happen.  It makes the changes that much harder & more painful.  I work with so many people who are seeking change.  It’s often hard for them to achieve it because staying where they are is easier than dealing with the change that they seek.  On one level they want change, but on another level their mind says it’s comfortable where it is and will do whatever it takes to sabotage or stop change from happening.  Again, all this effort to push change away only creates pain for you.  In this case, you’re preventing yourself from doing what you need to do in order to create a change in your life.

You can’t stop change from happening in your life, but you can alter how you interact with it.  You can find acceptance of the change and get rid of some of your pain.  It’s all in how you approach it.

If there’s a change in your life that you know that you need to make but you just aren’t sure how to go about it, I can help.  Schedule a private session with me and you’ll receive support for the changes that you need in your life.